A few days ago. It super sucked.
Sometimes Spidey gets…well, difficult, and I know where it comes from and why it’s there and how to deal with it, but sometimes I just get really really tired of it and don’t want to deal with it anymore. Then the yucky comes, and USUALLY I even know how to handle that. But this time I did not take the time to leave and have some alone mama time. I did not go upstairs, close the bedroom door and cry out the pain. I did not sit with him and talk through the emotion of the day, and the 5 or so days leading up to that day!. Nope. I had a mama meltdown instead. I yelled {not even at him, it was poor little pixie that pushed me over the edge}. I cried. I said irrational things {only to amarish papa…I think}. I sat in a chair and bawled.
It was a really good reminder that I need to have mama time. I need to take a break. I need to slow down…even on the super busy days ~ ok, ESPECIALLY on the super busy days.
The day after the mama meltdown, Spidey asked me if he could play the wii {I must point out here that we see a distinct link between video games and behavior in our house}. I said no. He, OF COURSE, asked in a very frustrated voice, “WHY!” I explained, in my best mama voice and with a heart wide open, “because sometimes when you play a lot of video games you are mean to mama. you forget to slow down and you don’t like to take time to talk with mama. you only want to be mad at me and say hurtful things, and then mama gets really really sad.” The look on his face changed and he was really thinking about what I said. He didn’t deny it {WHICH IS HUGE!}. He just got very quiet. I told him how much I love him and how important he is to me and how important our relationship is. He hugged me, the real kind of hug, and then walked away ~~~ with no fighting, no begging, no “You always say no to me!!” and no head hung in disappointment.
So much of our process in parenting our kids is looking back and remembering where they came from, reminding them that we are not the people who came before. We are not going anywhere. We are not leaving them. They are safe and protected. {quick important note here – Spidey & Meeta’s birth parents were amazing & loving parents, but that doesn’t change the effect of losing them, living in an orphanage and leaving behind everything you know to come and live with some white folks in a smallish sized town in the midwest}.
Deep breath. Note to self ~ you can do this. Keep your eyes on Jesus and remember your tools, you are equipped, you are not alone, this beautiful child is not the people who’ve come before.
So the big thing that I did not see coming was that I was approaching him out of the ways I’ve been hurt in the past. I’ve lived in relationship where I am a constant disappointment, a frustration and an idiot. Spidey hit on some really old, painful wounds. So now I’m spending some time telling myself what I tell my kids. It’s ok to feel the pain of the past, that’s how we heal, but let’s look at right now and remember where we are. Let’s remember who we are and probably more important, who we aren’t. God has plucked me up out of the ugly places, washed me off, tended to my wounds, loved me and cared for me and guided me as I grow into the person He knows I can be.
