I’ve had a lot of adoption conversations lately, and I’m wondering if God is brewing something in me…we shall see.

AND. THEN. I. SCREAM! (not on the outside, but totally on the inside!) I will tell you it just doesn’t matter how often you talk about stuff ~ you have to keep talking about it! I ask the kids if they know how they came to be in our family and Meeta says, “I think maybe you are babysitting us for a long time?” AND. THEN. I. CRY!

So can I pause for a minute and tell you that we talk ALL THE TIME about how much we love them, how glad we are that we are all a family. How they came to be with us. The story of their birth parents. Why Birth Mom died, why Birth Dad is dying. How Spidey got HIV. We talk about it a lot. And yet had you been a fly on our wall, you would have thought this was conversation #1. The same questions we’ve answered a hundred times before. I just want to be really really clear here ~ I wasn’t annoyed or frustrated in any way, shape or form. I was shocked. I was sad.

And so we sat, with the movie paused on the tv, and we talked. and talked. and talked. Bookworm laid his head on his brother’s shoulder and said, “I love you bro.” Spidey laid on mama’s chest and wept again in the truth of a horrible disease that robs and steals from those we love. He asked again and was reassured again, that he is healthy and well and strong, and that his medicine works to keep him that way. And we cried because we can’t take medicine to Birth Dad. We cried because Spidey’s disease won’t ever go away. {Mama prays for a cure during our lifetime. I’ll let that be a super big surprise if it happens. We live in the current reality} And we cried because we are family and we love each other the same, no one is loved more or less than anyone else.  And we reassured ~ that the medicine will keep working, that we are NOT babysitters, that we love you.

I wanted to be annoyed with myself for not knowing about the adoption storyline in Despicable Me, but in the end, it was a good thing.

It is warm and loving, looking for info and looking to partner with us.

I just don’t really have more words to say – God is good! I know every day and every situation won’t turn out like this…but this one did and I’m super glad!

It’s a strange thing living openly, because not everyone knows, but you kind of walk through life assuming everyone does. And then you have these moments where you look at your spouse and say “Does so and so know? Do we need to tell them?” Recently, we had one of those moments – with Spidey’s soccer coach, and soon to be basketball coach, and father of his best bud at school. {just to be clear – it’s all the same guy} So I started praying about it and for a while have been feeling like we need to tell them – knowing that they {he and his wife} could find out at any time from the TONS of other people that know, and really wanting them to hear and get the information from us. I tried setting up a time and it just didn’t work and so I ended up emailing him a super long email.

In the email I explained what you need to know how hiv is spread and how it isn’t spread. How we decided to live openly and how we were advised {sometimes over and over again} NOT to live openly. I explained how the miraculous the meds are and what an undetectable viral load means and what it doesn’t mean. And I pointed out that we are not legally required to tell anyone – even coaches. And then I shared that the most important thing to us is that Spidey is respected and loved and treated with kindness – treated the same way he’s always been treated, and that if coach didn’t think he could do that, then we need to know that right away – before basketball starts.

He emailed me back a very nice email. 5 years ago, it’s the email I would have sent back. Shocked, unsure of what this means, unsure of how he’s feeling and needing some time to process. I must point out – it really was a great response. I’m very grateful for his kind words, however, it wasn’t the email I wanted to get. When I got the email I was standing with my husband and my bff and she said – “It’s a great response – think about what he’s feeling and this is really surprising for him – Mama, it’s a good email!”  And I agreed, because of course, she is right. And then all evening I struggled. It’s not the response I wanted. I wanted to hear – “Wow – thanks for informing us. We are super glad to know and this doesn’t change anything – we love Spidey and I’m so excited to coach him in basketball. We totally get it and completely informed about hiv and aren’t freaked out by you and your son at all!” I know. But a girl can dream, right?

Of course I didn’t actually expect that. But I did walk through the rest of my day silently and almost sub-consciously repeating my new mantra….”please prove them wrong. please prove them wrong. please prove them wrong.”

{them would be the doctor, nurse and AIDS resource employee who told us it is absolutely, positively the wrong thing to do to live openly}

I’m fighting feelings of complete and utter vulnerability. This disclosure was really different then any we’ve done before. I remember telling our parents and that was hard, but in a different way. We know and are secure in the fact that they love us and are for us. We didn’t think that anyone would throw up their arms in frustration and say “we’re out! can’t be a part of this!” and of course, they didn’t. We told close friends who are in that same category – totally safe. Then we started telling people that we know, but aren’t in that tight inner circle of relationship that you interact with every day. And we knew that there might be people that would turn and walk away from us…and no one did. Then we started telling people that did feel pretty risky – people that we could see might not be able to handle this…family members that have struggled with racism, family members who have struggled with hypochondria, and truly lived afraid of disease and injury, my 90 year old Grandma. We sat ready, prepared for people to walk away from us…and no one did. I’ve talked to several people who are completely uninvolved in our lives about hiv – university classes and students, people in ministry, women at a church retreat, ready for the one person who is going to walk up and spew ugliness all over me…and no one did.

So this disclosure is so very different because it’s the first one where Spidey is at risk and not me and Papa. All of the other “big” disclosures happened before he came home. If people walked away – he wouldn’t have known. He wouldn’t have felt it. This one he would feel. This one would really hurt – HIM. So I know there are some of you reading this saying, see – that’s why you don’t disclose. But that’s not where God led us. That’s not where we landed. We landed in a place that knows there will be very hard days that really hurt and in the long run – it will be worth it. Spidey will never have to wonder “what if”. What if they knew the truth about me? Would they walk away? Would they still like me? love me? Would they still want me on their team, in their class, as their friend?

Today the rubber hits the road my friends. And God is with us. He has led us this far and will not abandon us now.

I’ll keep you posted. Please pray for coach and his wife. Pray that they let their hearts be ruled by love and rational thinking and not by fear. Pray for us, that we will be still before God and provide the time and space people need, that we will remain strong in the truth of God’s word.

1. super super busy

2. walked through some very very hard days with Meeta. You’d think I would have run to my blog and written all about it, and there were definitely days I wanted to. I just couldn’t bring myself to. I don’t know why and I don’t really feel like trying to figure out why. I probably will write about it eventually. And honestly, I really needed some help and didn’t feel like I had anyone who could relate to our situation AND I knew that wasn’t true. *and I must point out that we had some amazing friends who walked and continue to walk with us and I don’t mean to discount them AT ALL, what I mean is, nobody in the adoption world, no one with our exact circumstances.*

3. did I mention super busy?

So life is returning to normal and Spidey has a dr appt coming up.

Sometimes Spidey gets…well, difficult, and I know where it comes from and why it’s there and how to deal with it, but sometimes I just get really really tired of it and don’t want to deal with it anymore. Then the yucky comes, and USUALLY I even know how to handle that. But this time I did not take the time to leave and have some alone mama time. I did not go upstairs, close the bedroom door and cry out the pain. I did not sit with him and talk through the emotion of the day, and the 5 or so days leading up to that day!. Nope. I had a mama meltdown instead. I yelled {not even at him, it was poor little pixie that pushed me over the edge}. I cried. I said irrational things {only to amarish papa…I think}.  I sat in a chair and bawled.

It was a really good reminder that I need to have mama time. I need to take a break. I need to slow down…even on the super busy days ~ ok, ESPECIALLY on the super busy days.

The day after the mama meltdown, Spidey asked me if he could play the wii {I must point out here that we see a distinct link between video games and behavior in our house}. I said no. He, OF COURSE, asked in a very frustrated voice, “WHY!”  I explained, in my best mama voice and with a heart wide open, “because sometimes when you play a lot of video games you are mean to mama. you forget to slow down and you don’t like to take time to talk with mama. you only want to be mad at me and say hurtful things, and then mama gets really really sad.” The look on his face changed and he was really thinking about what I said. He didn’t deny it {WHICH IS HUGE!}. He just got very quiet. I told him how much I love him and how important he is to me and how important our relationship is. He hugged me, the real kind of hug, and then walked away ~~~ with no fighting, no begging, no “You always say no to me!!” and no head hung in disappointment.

So much of our process in parenting our kids is looking back and remembering where they came from, reminding them that we are not the people who came before. We are not going anywhere. We are not leaving them. They are safe and protected. {quick important note here – Spidey & Meeta’s birth parents were amazing & loving parents, but that doesn’t change the effect of losing them, living in an orphanage and leaving behind everything you know to come and live with some white folks in a smallish sized town in the midwest}.

Deep breath. Note to self ~ you can do this. Keep your eyes on Jesus and remember your tools, you are equipped, you are not alone, this beautiful child is not the people who’ve come before.

So the big thing that I did not see coming was that I was approaching him out of the ways I’ve been hurt in the past. I’ve lived in relationship where I am a constant disappointment, a frustration and an idiot. Spidey hit on some really old, painful wounds. So now I’m spending some time telling myself what I tell my kids. It’s ok to feel the pain of the past, that’s how we heal, but let’s look at right now and remember where we are. Let’s remember who we are and probably more important, who we aren’t. God has plucked me up out of the ugly places, washed me off, tended to my wounds, loved me and cared for me and guided me as I grow into the person He knows I can be.

There aren’t a lot of things Meeta & Spidey can point to and say that about. Of course the longer they are a part of our family, there are more commonalities, but these are because of who we are now…not what we’ve lived through in the past. It was super cool that she felt a connection to me about something so huge and defining in one’s life.
She turned to her sister and said {with just a hint of superiority} “You and bookworm only have 1 mommy & daddy. We have 2. 2 is more than 1.”

Baby Girl – I LOVE you! I love that you are proud of the fact that you have 2 mommies and 2 daddies that have had the privilege of loving and adoring you.

Seriously going to write some more soon. I have to say, my heart has been longing to return to Ethiopia. I’ll probably write about that ~ but I’m not quite ready yet.

Ok. One more thing I want to clarify. I DO NOT believe adoption is for everyone. I believe it is something God calls you to and equips you for and that he fills you with the heart, soul and passion for the particular situation that He is calling YOU into. And even with all the calling and equipping ~ it’s frickin’ HARD! {and beautiful, and life-giving, and a bunch of other great stuff, but that’s a different post} I read on a blog recently that this particular adoptive mom has been asked several times if she believes it’s a Christian’s duty to adopt. Well no one’s ever asked me that but I’m throwing my two cents in anyway…NO! I do believe God calls us to care for the orphan and the widow {James 1:27} but I believe that looks different for everyone.

ok ~ back to Pat Robertson. I’m angry!! He said the Bible tells us to “count the cost”. I wish I could sit down with him and tell him a few things:

1. Praise God that our Father didn’t “count the cost” when adopting us!! One of the most beautiful pictures God gives us of His love for us is how He adopts us as His OWN. We belong to Him ~ no matter how broken, messed up or diseased we are ~ He calls us His own.

2. If I was pregnant and found out the child growing inside of me was severely brain damaged {something he specifically addresses in his comments} and I told Pat that life was just going to be too hard with this child and in the interest of “counting the cost” I’m ending this pregnancy…would you support me in that?? Obviously he would not, and he should not.

3. EVERY child, EVERY human being on this planet deserves to be loved. And I can point to SO many families that will tell you the child/ren they brought into their homes, kids that Pat would have warned against ~ these families will tell you that the gifts they have been given far out weigh the cost.

4. I recognize the fact that my child is probably one of those children He would NOT recommend adopting. I’m sure he can’t imagine bringing an HIV+ child into ones home.

5. We have all heard stories of adoption that didn’t work out. Stories where the child is so traumatized by previous abuse, neglect, or torture that they simply cannot be a part of the family that brought them home. I would argue that these adoptions are still God designed. We don’t always see what His plan is. We don’t always know what lies ahead. To these families I say THANK YOU for living out God’s will even through unimaginable pain.

ok. I think I’m done. I’m so saddened by Pat Robertson. I’m not a big fan of “television Christianity” and most often find myself disagreeing with people like Pat Robertson and James Dobsen {sorry guys} when it comes to their political position on anything. And I silently disagree. But this time it was just too much. And I’m anonymous now

{AAAHH – I love you, new blog!}

I’ve said about our kids, that I can tell they came from a family where they were loved and taken care of. While they do show some of the classic self protection, don’t want to trust you too much kind of  behavior – they know what a family looks like. They know what a mom and dad are for, and they receive our love. I’ve cried many times knowing that we have SO MUCH to be thankful for…mostly, our kids have known love.

I read a letter today from a mom who’s facing disruption {adopted child being removed from the home} and my heart broke for this woman and her husband, for their daughter that has known such unimaginable pain and for the other kids in their home that now know the pain she has bestowed on them. And I was filled with THANKS. I admire this couple so much and will continue to pray for them and for God’s protection and guidance.